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Hey everyone, this is my best friend, Justin! This is us from 7/8 years ago. He was my date for my homecoming dance.
I didn't think I'd say this but I'm actually going to my 5 year class reunion. I was bullied most of my life in school, but some of my classmates seem happy that I'm going. They're even letting me have my own vegan food there so I feel like I belong.
I have numerous regrets throughout high school. I missed my senior outing, all night party, missed out on volleyball, band and chorus because I was too afraid of nobody liking me, since a lot of people bullied me, because I was afraid of people. It's an endless cycle.
However, because of Justin, I was able to go to my homecoming dances, and prom. I especially did not want to miss out on my last chance to enjoy high school. I'm thankful to this day that I actually had a "date." He really makes me feel normal, and happy. I'm so grateful for Justin to this day. I wouldn't be who I am, and I'd have less memories that remind me that life is worth living.
I really wished I could have been the drummer for band, but these days I live life to the fullest and say, screw what everyone thinks of me. I have Justin and a few other great people and I'm here to have a great time before I'm gone.
Self love journey + recent favorites
I know I'm far along a self love journey but I still feel embarrassed by my younger self sometimes. Memories come from middle and high school days when the evidence of me not fitting in shows. From being left without a partner in group projects to being generally the last person chosen.. I even went on online help forums to find out why I'd be picked last but no one ever answered me. . When I did find a partner I usually felt they were bored of me because they wouldn't talk to me or interact with group project related things. I'd ask someone to be my partner or sit with me but in a few minutes they'd leave to sit with someone else. I understand that people just click and others don't but I didn't have anyone. I just wanted someone I was comfortable with but didn't have that in my middle or high school classes. . Thankfully I don't have this issue anymore. I'm more comfortable around people but this isn't my fault. Kids in school didn't make me feel welcome enough for me to open up.
a mental health update
I'm nervous about life right now but trying to do anything is scary because I don't want it to turn into anxiety. I know I say I don't let anxiety control me anymore but I don't think I should make statements like that. Anxiety can't fully be controlled.. It will always be a part of me. People think I'm being weak or making excuses when I say this but I'm not lying, at least for my case. Now I wonder if I hold myself back too much because I'm afraid of anxiety, but I don't want to push myself either. I'm confused. I always measured my life in my growth, or what I have done to conquer anxiety and leave my comfort zone, or by making my comfort zone bigger. I've done that for years until I decided not to measure my growth and the challenging situations I've tested myself with to see if I can do it. Now I measure myself in the things I comfortably do because I got tired of putting myself in situations which make my anxiety spike. I'm not worth anything based on how "tough" I am. I
Trying to change who you are isnt worth it.
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CHRISTY'S THOUGHTS
Quick backstory: I have autism and have always had problems with socializing and fitting in. It's not easy to talk about because people tell me I use autism as an excuse not to do things, but now I do eveything everyone thought I wouldn't do. It is what it is.
It's easy to wish to be someone else, like someone who is more popular and liked and more social.. someone who says hi to more people so is more aquainted with others. Someone who doesn't question and look for the bad in social interactions, and naturally knows how to socialize. Someone who doesn't go mute, freezes up, gets afraid to speak
having a good relationship with your art
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CHRISTY'S THOUGHTS
I had to change my relationship with my art! It isn't healthy. As much as I enjoy making art, it became something I do to add value to myself, instead of just adding happiness. I won't stop doing it but I won't pressure myself into it or compare myself to other artists. I'm going to stop feeling like a bad artist. I'm going to stop feeling bad for not pursuing an art career, not trying to work for national geographic, not going to photography clubs, not going to art school, and not being a popular photographer even though I know my nature work is professional quality. People were proud of my art but s
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This is beautiful, I'm so glad you have him in your life